


half of a man [8/52]

by andrea_deer



Series: 52 aspec drabbles/ficlets of 2017 [8]
Category: Silk (TV)
Genre: 52 aspec drabbles, Acephobia, Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Cancer, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, Internalized Acephobia, No Beta, Some Swearing, all angst, aroace character, general mess of dealing with cancer, reference to the billy/amy situation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-24 08:59:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10738425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andrea_deer/pseuds/andrea_deer
Summary: The doctor asked him if he had sex recently. That was his remedy for no longer feeling like a man. And wasn't that what anyone else in Billy's place would do? What Billy would do if he was normal?8th of 52 aspec drabbles :)





	half of a man [8/52]

**Author's Note:**

> This one is definitely more angsty and while it deals with asexuality (mostly, partly aromantism) it's all from a POV of a character who has no idea such things exists and who deals with a huge pile of internalized acephobia, so it really isn't pretty or nice.

"I don't feel.... like a man," he confessed to his doctor with only mild mortification.

Was there still place for shame between them? After such diagnosis? After such tests? After the bloody implants and their side-effect that ripped the last shreds of Billy's dignity from him.

The problem with being less of a man now was that there wasn't much of the manliness left to go. It felt like he scraped the bottom of the barrel for years just to stay in the pretentious, prestigious boys club. He was rather proud of this, actually. In an odd, twisted way. 

He knew he didn't really fit, didn't meet all requirements, he was reminded of it every day, but he still stayed. And quite on top of the game as well. That's what he did. Sometimes he thought that the fact that he was absolutely no contest for the title of the alpha male in any group he ever was a part of, actually helped him. At his job, at his life, one and the same, really. He was surrounded by over-ambitious, over-posturing, competitive men and he was no match in many regards. They didn't feel threatened and allowed him close. Because what could he do? Good, old, friendly Billy? Naive, loving Billy, who wanted to make his co-workers some form of a family. Billy was safe.

Until of course, they were brutally reminded that Billy did consider some things important, considered some people his family and in need of protecting, and he was not soft at all when it came to protecting his family. He manipulated, threatened and pulled no punches and they were always surprised how close they allowed him when his blow managed to so easily connect with their most painful spot.

In this viciousness, he was finally alike his peers, but manliness? That he was struggling with since he was not much older than a teenage boy.

Friendly, slightly chubby Billy, who had no interest in girls or fights, or making himself look cool.

Eventually, he accepted that. He played it to his advantage. He used his friendliness to weasel his way into every circle, every group and find a few gems to call friends. He mixed his loneliness with his love for work and he succeeded and settled into himself more than his sixteen-year-old self could ever believe possible.

Until cancer took even that from him. Weakened him even further and woke up all the stupid old demons whispering constantly that he was a joke, a satire, a mockery of what a man should be. 

The doctor asked him if he had sex recently. That was his remedy for no longer feeling like a man. And wasn't that what anyone else in Billy's place would do? What Billy would do if he was normal?

He wondered while standing in the pub and waiting for Amy. He watched the buzzing crowd of lawyers and the related parties, automatically smiling and nodding at all the right people, while lost in thought. 

If he was a normal man, he thought again, bitterly adding, if he was an actual man, like Alan or even Jake or - his gaze stopped for a moment on some tall blonde stranger that brought a more familiar face to his mind... if he was Clive, wouldn't it be exactly what he would do?

If Clive faced the same diagnosis, he would use it to sleep with half a dozen of women while he still could. He would use his fear and worry, mangling it into a pitiful story that would make woman after woman follow him to his bed. Perhaps he would even use it on Martha. Perhaps it would even work. 

He would fuck young Amy Lang without an ounce of remorse, wouldn't be his first seduced pupil.

Billy smiled at her as she made her way through the crowded room. She was beautiful, he knew. Interesting and so, so young. 

Easy enough pray, even for a half of a real man, as long as he had some power on his side.

Billy led her to a more secluded table.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [my tumblr](http://lordnochybaty.tumblr.com/) or come to [my ace side blog](http://acesthetically-pleasing.tumblr.com) for more aspec goodies :)


End file.
